Saturday, October 20, 2007

The Scientist (or Not)


I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures
Pullin’ the puzzles apart
Questions of science, Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me
Oh when I rush to the start 


Runnin’ in circles, 
Chasin’ our tails, 
Comin’ back as we are

Now, I know that quotage of a song immediately denotes an "emo" entry, but I assure you, 'tis one of the philosophical sort.  At least, I think so.  

Anyway.  It needs to be said that I've been doing some thinking lately; mostly, as you all probably know already, about my aspirations, versus that which I am obligated to do.  Which is, to say: Theatre vs. Nursing.  

As of late, I've felt this sort of culmination of the past year of gritting my teeth through college, and have come -- after much thought and self-reflection -- that this whole college experience has been nothing but extremely limiting for me.  

And just a few minutes ago, as I laid down on my bed, Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man in hand, these words of the familiar Coldplay tune seemed to reach out from the speakers and into my heart;  Ellison's existential prose only amplifiying the feeling that surged within me.

For those unfamiliar with the aforementioned novel, it is the story of an unnamed African-American Man in search of identity.  Throughout the whole book, from its inception at the start of his college experience to his entry into a Harlem-based brotherhood, The Man seems to always be running; never stable, never grounded.  

Was I like The Invisible Man?  Was I "running in circles", as Chris Martin so accurately emotes in his song?

Truth be told, for the most part, I feel like I am.  In fact, I feel it's all I've been doing these last few months/years.  Just this mental tug-of-war between reason and passion.  And I never seem to be getting anywhere.

So now I'm longing for those years in high school in which I felt the most stable;  when in my element, with my art and the smell of turpentine and watercolors rushing through my veins, I felt ease.  I knew who I was.  I knew who I was going to be.

Ever since college, however, it seemed that removed from my comfort zone, the layers started to peel only to reveal an empty core that reeked of the deep, odor of unsurety.  The constant feeling of inadequacy everywhere I went started to get to me, all culminating to these last few days.

"Questions of science/ Science and progress/ Do not speak as loud as my heart" were the words that somehow sent a jolt up my spine, those few minutes spend in my room.  I thought of everything I had gone through up intil now, and it seemed so silly to think how harder this is for me than everything else was.   

Why don't I have the conviction to just tell all of them all this?  Am I the one, if anything, that's making it harder than it should be?

The Uncle says a discussion may be underway soon --amongst myself and my parents -- as well as my aunt and uncle, of course -- regarding the path I should take, and whether Nursing would be included in said path.  With this to be anticipated, I feel like I'm about to start over again.



And I'm hopeful.

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