Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Looking Forward to Looking Back

Days go by whether we want them to or not. You can ride them like an escalator: stick your hands in your pockets and hope you see something worthwhile along the way. Or you can hop on that escalator and give it an extra push, take the steps two at a time: don't just give yourself over to the momentum; help it out. Get where you're going faster and with a clean intent of purpose, even if where you're going happens to be another escalator, with another one on top of that.
-from miss misery by andy greenwald.


It's a little after 6 PM and I've just finished going through some old entries in my (actual) journal from 2008. I hadn't looked at it -- or written in it -- since November, and re-reading it was a combination of a lot of things. I found myself simultaneously laughing, wincing, and smiling whilst reading it; some of the time, I was grateful at the fact that I was mindful enough to heavily detail these seemingly little events in my life -- other times, I felt admittedly embarrassed for having done so. The last entry was dated November 26th, and I didn't even finish it, which sort of sums up how I feel about these last few months before 2009 -- that there were a lot of things unfinished, unsaid.

In any case. I'm a little sad at how it had ended, but overall, my 2008 wasn't so bad, now that I look back.

It had started off a little rocky, with my decision to not continue pursuing nursing pretty much causing every member of my family to grit their teeth through it (some of them still are). Not to mention the fact that I decided to take the semester off last spring, after having had a hellish Fall 2007.

While the prospect of being alone those first few months may have seemed mind-numbingly dull -- or depressing, even -- the truth was that it really wasn't. I go through this process of isolating myself after a fiasco (and believe me, I have these come into my life every so often), and it always turns out to be more beneficial than anything. I regained independence, as well as confidence in myself and my talents. I had started anew my relationship with myself, and from that, learned so much about who I am. I felt finally at peace with myself, and with my outlook on life. As I'd mentioned before, I realised that happiness is what you make it, and in those few months I took for myself before starting school again, I felt that I was finally letting happiness come into my life.

Once I started school, I felt a lot more comfortable with myself than I had the past two years I'd been at Hunter, and I guess it showed. I made a bunch of new friends, and reconnected with some old ones. A lot of good and bad things came out of this semester, but I don't think I would have changed one bit of it. I learned to laugh, love, and live in the moment -- whether with friends or relatives, despite everything else, and that makes it all totally worth it for me.

I hope this New Year's Eve has been a reflective one for you all, as it has been for me, and I hope that with the New Year, come some new surprises, both good and bad.

I'll be seeing you next year...

♥J.

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